What's up with married couples and their obsession to pair up singletons?

The unsolicited advice married people like to spread around and their inability to understand the difference between loneliness and solitude

This story starts as stories often do where I come from, in a local restaurant serving traditional food around a table full of food and booze. It was a beautiful, not so warm summery afternoon, when I stopped working like a maniac for a few hours (not without the anxiety quilt though. I took that shit with me) and took some time off to meet with friends I haven’t seen in a while. It’s been more than a year since I last saw them and since I’ve shared so many amazing moments with them, I think you can imagine my excitement. As the night progressed, it seemed like the topic they’ve all been waiting to discuss was me and my dating life. Yes, you read that correctly. It wasn’t me and my thriving business life, but my dating whirlwind fiasco of a life.

At first, I was genuinly into it. I was eager to share all the nitty gritty details of my international dating life. After all I haven’t seen these people for such a long time and obviously the topic of my not-married, 37 years old single ass is gonna come up. Throughout these past 3 years, I’ve come to sincerly and unapologeticallty enjoy my singlehood. I love meeting so many interesting guys the world over, each with their own unique life stories and characters. However, as I started sharing about my one day adventure with an actor in London and was getting into the nitty gritty details of every funny and sometimes tragic story behind every date I’ve ever been on, the conversation took a very surprising turn.

The friend who was a quy and who shall remain nameless turned around and with this very sad, almost like pitiful look on his face said to me:

“You know Dani, you can’t go throuh life alone. You need someone.”

What he said took me aback, because honestly not in a million years I would have thought that this guy, this guy who was single until he was forty something, no girlfriends at sight since I have known him, who ended up with a girl who’s twice younger than him, basically still in diapers will ever go around throwing statements like this. The very audacity baffled me.

My first reaction to this was:

“Motherfucker, of course I can. If I wish to I can do whatever the fuck I want.”

Needless to say that this was my silent double agent of a salad brain processing the information in the backend. In the frontend I was at a loss for words.

And then this dude carried on to spread unsolicited advice left and right among which this sentence took the front stage:

“Don’t want you to become bitter and give up trying.”

I seriously don’t know what vibe I was giving out for him to utter such a bold statement, to which my Salad Brain responded:

“Why? Do I look bitter to you?”

to which he said and I quote:

“No, you don’t now, but you will be if you carry down this path”.

Wowza, I’m surrounded by idiots, I thought. My response? Well come to think of it was very calm and mild compared to what he dared to say to me. I said:

“Don’t worry about me. I have a great support system and if there’s one thing I’ve learnt over my short life on Earth is that things like finding a partner is not something you can plan, as I’m sure you’re aware of. It either happens or not. For now I am very happy where I am with my life, partner or no partner.”

What I should have said instead though was this:

Fucker, I am doing it alone and so far actually I’m excelling in my aloneness and enjoy every minute, no scratch that, every second of it if I’m being honest. Look at me soar. Shit, you talking about bitterness. I wake up every day with a smile on my face. Of course I can live alone and not become bitter if I want to.

And then continue to invade his privacy with stupid and imbecile questions like when are they planning on having kids, life without them is just you know life not worth having and totally wasted (enter sarcasm here) and be just straight up mean and inconsiderate. But instead I chose the more polite way out and come to think of it by doing that I might have given him a reason to keep pushing my boundaries. But in my mind, I was like, Dani, calm down, you’ve been through this same attack millions of times before. It’s not their fault that some people can’t find joy within themselves, so they go around and bitterly throw statements like “Bitch you can’t either” with their sad clowny faces.

I’m actually not even bothered by what people like him are saying or thinking. What I’m bothered by though is their stupid facial expression of … Shit, I don’t even now what it is really. Maybe pity? I want to wipe that stupid face and slap them so hard at that moment. Fine I know violence is never an answer, but wouldn’t it be fun though to be socially acceptable to slap people when they are saying stupid shit?

And then I started thinking. I’ve been living too long in a society that just can’t seem to grasp the fact of someone being alone. The concept of loneliness vs. solitude seems like this enormous, ungraspable notion for their tiny little brain cells to process. And here I am thinking I have a Salad Brain. Oh what a world we’re living in. Anyway, as I opened my computer that night to try and put whatever feelings I had about this conversation onto a page, I came upon Sophia Amorusso’s latest newsletter. Guess what the subject was?

Fine, I’ll tell you. Shock Horror: Childless 40-Year-Old Not Crying into Wine Glass Every Night! . Oh dear god, I thought. What stupidity is it now? She was reffering to an article written about her in the Daily Mail which among other things included this statement 'happier than ever' at 40. Yes in scare quotes. She goes on to say “It sucks that the baby-industrial complex is so deeply ingrained in our culture that this is news” . It seems like for whatever reason the world is just determained to brand us bitter and lonely. Because apperantly that’s the only thing you can ever be if you’re flying solo at this age. We’re constantly guilt tripped and force fed this narrative that it seems like there’s only one innevitable question left to ask:

“Am I nuts? Should I feel all these things that apparently all normal people do? What’s wrong with me? Why am I happy?”

It seems to me like there’s a pleague of married couples going around and giving unscolicited advice these days. Why does it bother married people so much that someone in their 40s is not married? Is it because they want to spred their marital bliss or is it simply because they’re trying to deflect from what’s wrong in their relationships? Well hey, maybe it’s easier for them to poke into someone else’s life than look at what’s happening in their own. I’m just saying. There’s a valid train of thought there. Wouldn’t you say?

Well hey, here’s a thought. Since I don’t go around asking stupid questions like

“How’s that relationship of yours going? You know there’s a study that actually shows the happiest people on earth are single women?¹ Maybe you should think about leaving that relationship. You know I don’t want you to become bitter later on”,

hmmm, maybe you shouldn’t either?

The thing though that I think used to piss me off the most was my inability to not simply just laugh it off. I would come home after conversations like these in the past and feel like shit for days. Didn’t know why to be honest. I think the thing that got me the most was the pittiful look on their faces. As if they’re feeling sorry for you. Uh, gross. Maybe it was also my inability to actually show them their place in an attempt to avoid conflict. But that night I came back home with a smile on my face, thinking poor little man. He actually has no idea just how fun and colorful and enjoyable life can actually be when the highest achievement in life for him is having a partner. I felt sorry for him that he would never be able to understand what it’s like to sit down alone in the middle of London or Paris or Rome, sipping a glass of perfectly chilled wine, staring across a beautiful park and think “Oh what a privilege it is to be alive on this fine afternoon” just marveling at who you used to be and who you’ve become. He would never be able to understand the magic of alone time or what happens in those extraordinary moments when you find yourself alone with undivided focus and attention to do what you love, unbothered by the world, consumed only by the thought of getting better and better. After all married couples don’t have time for these little luxuries in life. They’re too busy spending half of their lives deciphering what the other said and meant and then the other half being mad for absolutely nothing. Kudos to the exceptions though, as I want to acknowledge normal couples too, because even though they are a rare bread, I happen to know one or two who are just simply minding their business and not meddling into yours, for lack of better words.

That being said, I want you to know dear reader that it’s absolutely fine to feel okay and happy and fulfilled even if you’re alone without a partner in this world. Yes, even if you’re 30 or 40 or 50 or 60 or fucking 100 years old. Being absolutely sure in the fact that you got you and don’t need anyone to “unbitter” you is the best feeling in the world. So stop feeling quilty and just go on and enjoy this life with a full speed ahead. And to assholes such as this guy, well sadly I don’t have the answer to the perfect response except maybe “F* you” delivered through the gentlest smile and in the most polite voice as possible. We’re not animals after all.

Another part of this series is coming out whenever I feel like it. Hey, don’t judge me, I have a business to run. Until then, because sharing is caring, if you know someone who will find this useful, please share it with them.

I know time these days is a precious currency, so thank your reading.

Hasta la vista lovelies from my Salad Brain.

1. You can read about it here - https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/may/25/women-happier-without-children-or-a-spouse-happiness-expert