The month of May is always special to me. It starts with the celebration of silly ol’ me, as my birthday falls on the 2nd of May and this year around the sun was a particularly challenging trip for me. I started questioning everything I do and learnt that life is all about tides and currents. Some of them bringing you closer to shore, while others straight tearing you apart in a futile attempt to reach the coast. Different things have a different meaning throughout different periods in your life and sometimes despite the crystal clear picture of what you imagine your life would look like, it doesn’t always turn the way you envision it. Because despite the popular belief of manifestation, other factors oftentimes come into play like environment and society stopping you from reaching that mountain top you’re aiming for.
I’ve made it my life mission to help whoever approached me and wherever I can, especially if someone’s starting out, I have lots of sympathy, but this month I was hit with the hard truth that people in general are not wired that way. I’ve never been the one to ask for help. I hate being dependent on someone’s good graces, but sometimes you need people to lift you up, especially when you’ve spent most of your life lifting others up. I would love to say that I’ve met a person like me, but this month rejection was the recurring theme and it came in abundance pouring from all sides, individuals, accelerator programs and venture funds. You’d think I would have been used to it by now, but every time I hear a NO it reignites feelings of frustration, anger and even rejection making me come back to that dangerous place of insecurity and doubt “Is it me? Am I that unlikable? Do I not know how to articulate what I’m doing?”. To be honest, I never quite learnt how to separate my personal self from my work self. To me these two exist in symbiosis. And while I’m aware that’s a perilous line to walk, I can’t seem to stop doing it.
Am I really basing my self worth to the professional success I may or may not have achieved? It is so unfair, because outside of this persona I’ve build as a founder, exists an entire different me who loves spending time with her family and friends, loves travelling and reading and absorbing and sharing knowledge on various things like art, music and neuroscience. So how come every time I step out of the founder role and come back to her, I feel guilty of not spending my time working on my business and saving money not for the sake of the little joys in life but for the sole purpose of reinvesting it into the business.
I started to wonder more and more often: Have a built myself a cage? Am I a prisoner to my own ambition? Will I ever get away or am I doomed to keep coming back to it? Will someone bring me the key to unlock the door and lend me a hand or will I keep fighting this battle by myself stuck in that same ring surrounded by metal bars and forever haunted by the dull sound they make? I’m haunted, tormented and sometimes even consumed by these and so many other questions.
What once felt like a joy and excitement has now become a tedious evergrowing list of tasks of “it has to be done” pile. So how am I coping with all of this? The answer is I’m not sure yet, but I’ve been experimenting with few things and would welcome ideas from anyone who’s in the similar situation.
What’s worked for me so far is taking breaks in the middle of the day. I recently found out that I’m the dolphin chronotype and my productivity levels drop significantly after 2pm. While in the past I would have stayed in front of my computer trying to persuade my brain to get his ass back to work mode, during those hours I am now trying to either catch up with friends, family or do my grocery shopping. I still consider it time wasted, so if anyone has some advice here for me how not to, I’m all ears.
At the beginning of this year, I’ve set up three ground rules, no working on weekends, at least 2 home cooked meals (and yes, a salad does count as a home cooked meal) during the week and mandatory exercising (mostly yoga) not later than 7pm. By gradually learning how not to make compromise on these, I’ve developed a habit around them and tricked my salad brain into thinking “Weren’t it always like this?”.
I used to believe that networking is a waste of time. Okay, not a waste of time, but for some reason I always feel extremely uncomfortable when I’m doing it. Something about making small talk doesn’t sit well with me. I’m not much of a talker honestly, I prefer getting stuff done, getting results and prefer not to have mindless chats with people I don’t know, asking them about what they do or commentig on the weather or the dreadful question of where I’m from and explaining where that actually is, while most of them being absolutely clueless of where that is, despite the fact that they’ve spent their entire lives living in Europe. Don’t get me wrong, while I’m curious and do love meeting people, there’s something about the sterile setting that feels very forced and I’ve never been the one that responds well to forced anything. Like for instance, where do you stand? In a corner scanning the room first or do you jump in head first uninvited to group conversations, looking like that wierd guy from Charlie’s Angles?
Trying not to burn the candle at both ends, I am also occasionally guilty of enjoying endless binge watch of Netflix. I’d like to see this as a window to popular culture and as much as it’s entertaining, I’m trying to pick series which tend to have an educational character as well. This way I could feel less guilty thinking I’ve learnt something, instead of just endlessly stare at the screen, while at the same time partially resting my salad brain. Of course, sometimes it’s just a quilty pleasure like Bridgerton. There I said it. What’s yours?
In this attempt to reinvent myself, become more aware and get away from my own head, I’m starting to shed the old skin and very much looking forward to growing and exploring other parts of me I’ve kept hidden for quite a long time.
Well there you have it folks. If you like my shenanigans because sharing is caring, if you know someone who is an entrepreneur and will find this helpful please share it with them.
I know time these days is a precious currency, so thank you for reading.
Hasta la vista lovelies from my Salad Brain.
Love this take! Definitely will share with other fellow entrepreneurs!