The Control Freak
Multiple personalities dueling within me and this week the control freak showed its ugly face
If thereās one thing about me that I absolutely hate is losing control over my train of thought. My salad brain never thinks in an organizational manner, unless I specifically direct it to do so by laying my scattered thoughts on a piece of paper and try to make sense out of them. Even as Iām writing this, thereās sentences belonging to the last paragraph fighting with sentences from my first paragraph, ending up with me writing everything that comes to mind and then try to turn it into a coherent article. This is what Iām dealing with. And that is perhaps the reason why Iāve always end up envying people who can think chronologically and not freeze at the heat of the moment.
To illustrate this better, hereās what a random day looks like for me. I start the mornings at around 08:00 and the only consistent things I do is yell at Alexa, cuddle with my cat, getting dressed and getting my coffee ready before I fly out the door to my office. Between then and the afternoons pretty much everything can happen and despite my best effort to control it and stay focused, I oftentimes get sidetracked by a variety of events and thoughts invading one another disolving into thin air in an effort to get my attention, only when they get to it thereās nothing left but a smoky trail of their former self. Sometimes it feels like Iām living in a total state of autopilot and every attempt to take over control of that airplane ends up with my brain dosing off in a medicated state of sleep. Itās not for my lack of trying, because trust me Iāve done my fair share of ātips and tricksā, but logical thinking seems to have left this building a long time ago, wandering god knows where and only occasionally extending me the courtesy of a visit bringing with it a condescending attitude and an annoying smirk.
Every decision that Iāve ever made in my life has been driven by emotion. After all Iām a dreamer and a firm believer that everything is possible with a little bit of luck and hard work. But lately Iām finding my dreams waning consumed by the only thought of āWhat if this is it for me? What if this is the best I can do?ā. A friend of mine sent me this few days ago.
And it got me thinking, what if itās the other way around? What if my plan is a bouquet of flowers, but Godās plan (or whoever is running this shitshow called life) is just the one? Itās frustrating really, this unquenched thirst for wanting more, feeling powerless, because deep down I know that I have absolutely zero control over how it plays out. But despite my super aware state, Iām still blaiming it on my inability to think strategically on the spot and my inate stupid naive nature to think of how to tip the scales of a situation in someone elseās favor, but never my own. Reasons? Well, what if that person needs it more than I do? And Iāll find a thousand reasons why thatās the case leaving my own god damn self on the sidelines yet again, striped of power, irritated and annoyed. Perspective for me is a dangerous place to be in. Itās where I lose power completely. Itās my place of doom.
Rewatching Suits is painfully making me realize that perhaps I donāt have what it takes to play with the big boys, and yet I want to join that club so desperately. I canāt help but wonder where is this desire coming from and more importantly how is it going to end? That very thought excites me, consumes me on a daily basis and frightens me all at the same time. And thatās when my dreams end up feeling more like nightmares.
Loosing control is not fun and yet retaining it doesnāt seem thrilling either. It requires to develop a certain type of personality that more often than not ends up manipulating people to do your bidding and get your way. Is it possible to be in control and not lose yourself in the process? I used to love my naivety. It was a part of me that fed and nurtured my delusion. It allowed me to defy the odds and achieve impossible things throughout the span of my life. But when that delusion reaches a point past no return, how do you regain control of it, how do you put that genie back in the bottle and stop it from growing? Is it even possible to do so? Should you even try? Is it dangerous? Or is it healthy to let it loose?
While Iām painfully aware that oftentimes many of the situations you find yourself in are beyond your control, it doesnāt stop me from thinking less of myself when I end up loosing that control. For better or worse, having a dominance over a situation or a person makes me feel secure and even more sure of myself. And yet, I donāt want to compromise my integrity to get it.
Itās been brought to my attention lately that I love control. Itās apparently how people perceive me. And in more ways than others, I guess this is true. I love the feeling a sense of control provides for me. I find comfort in the fact that having control over certain aspects brings with it a sense of ease as well as a degree of confidence in the fact that I can make a deadline work or make good on my promise to deliver certain results. Reliquishing it puts me back behind that high school desk feeling helpless and unprepared with hundred tabs opened in my mind, none of which makes any sense to the topic in question.
Learning to let go of it is a skill of its own requiring trust in the people you surround yourself with and Iām just getting the hang of it, because what if the people around you screw up and betray that trust? What happens then? Whoās to blame? Is it you or is it them? I guess maintaining a healthy balance of control and trust is the way to go, but the thing about a scale is that maintining that balance is a slipery slope and in many cases easier said then done. Once broken this delicate balance can easily put you in a sleepless state.
This Thursday we were faced again with yet another production snafu. We were working on a wholesale order that was supposed to leave our studio on Friday and yet half of it was not done on Thursday. Me being me put my brain into overdrive which led me to not being able to fall asleep until 03:00am in the morning, not because of something that I did, but because I couldnāt control the outcome and didnāt trust the person to deliver. And yet Friday morning, I learnt that everything was fine and we were going to make the deadline after all. This came as a pleasant surprise, carrying with it the important lesson that sometimes trust is all it takes.
But itās scarry isnāt it? Taking that leap of fate with no way of knowing whether thereās someone on the other side to catch you is frightening. But I guess thatās what happens when you work with people. Despite your best efforts to control a situation, sometimes itās not only up to you and your sheer will. So you have to just simply let it go.
I know time these days is a precious currency, so thank you for reading.
Hasta la vista until next Sunday lovelies,
with ā¤ļø
from my Salad Brain š§